Define the Relationship

Finding an eternal companion is a daunting task. How do you choose that one person out of billions? Not to mention the mix of gender and personality differences and backgrounds....man, making a marriage work with two very different people is not easy! Just look at the divorce statistics! Devout members of the LDS faith (Mormons) believe in total abstinence before marriage and complete fidelity after marriage. In order to help members of the church resist the temptations of immorality, church colleges, such as Ricks (now known as BYU-Idaho) have strict honor codes that students sign each school year. Some of the rules include: no members of the opposite sex past the living room; a boys'/girls' out curfew (10:00 on weekdays, 11:00 on weekends), and nightly curfews. Also, you are never supposed to be alone in an apartment with a member of the opposite sex. These rules and guidelines are great--but it is hard to get to know someone and know if you are ready to commit to forever when you are never alone long enough to talk about real concerns/issues that come up.

In the LDS culture, we call some of these conversations "DTR's" (define the relationship), not to be confused with the LDS acronym, "CTR," (choose the right), although we should acknowledge that CTR should be used during a DTR.

Surprise Surprise!  Joe and I have had our fair share of serious, private conversations, including DTR's. Pretty much all of these conversations were instigated by Joe, probably because he found it very entertaining to make me feel uncomfortable. And he did--because they are awkward and I didn't know what to say and if it were up to me we would've kept all serious conversation in the form of carefully crafted high-schoolish notes read while the other person wasn't around.

On one particular occasion, Joe and I found some much needed privacy at a duck pond. We drove there, walked for a while, fed the ducks some bread, and when it started to get cold and dark--we sat in the car and kept talking. WE WERE NOT PARKING!! Please believe me--making out would have been much less awkward. Instead, we were talking about uncomfortable DTR stuff. I am guessing it was about 8:00 p.m., but dark, and all of a sudden, lights started flashing behind us. One police officer was standing at Joe's car door and one was standing at mine. Joe rolled down the windows and they asked me to step out of the car and walk to the back. One officer started interrogating me while the other started questioning Joe, asking to see his I.D. I was horrified. "Why are you here? What relation are you? Is he pressuring you to do anything you do not want to do? Where do you live? Would you like us to drive you back to your apartment?" Oh my Heck! I kept repeating myself, "We are friends. We were talking. No, we were not even making out, and no he's not trying to rape me! I trust him to take me home!" Needless to say, that was one way to cut a DTR short, and a date that I will never forget.

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One afternoon our FHE brothers (another Mormon acronym for Family Home Evening--a group of boys and girls that get together every Monday night for a lesson, chocolate, and fun activity) were at our apartment. It was dinner-time and I was cooking in the kitchen. I was facing the wall/cabinets, probably cutting up vegetables, and one of them started asking me questions about Joe. Something like this:

Him: How long have you been dating?
Me: A few months.
Him: Have you guys started talking about marriage?
Me: What? No! No way! I'm going on a mission. I don't like him like that. He's funny and nice and fun to be around, but I'm not marrying him!

Anyway, you can see how the conversation was going. My roommates got in on it and were laughing, and finally I turned around and saw:

Joe sitting on a chair in the corner of the living room.

I still don't know whose idea it was to tease me (and him) by asking all those questions. It wasn't fair to either of us, but it happened and I couldn't undo it.

Joe didn't stay too long after that, and he left with very hurt feelings and some distrust.

We were on the phone all night with an impromptu DTR. It must have gone ok, because we're still together!