Anxiety Part II

Shortly after Joe and I were married (12 years ago-wow!) I started taking 21-22 credits (of English classes!) a semester and working 20-30 hours a week. Joe was also taking a ton of credits and working 3 jobs and 30+ hours a week. We both had scholarships and had to keep our grades up to keep them. Our lives were crazy. I got to a point where I couldn't sleep because all I could do at night was think, think, think. And I was always tired and lethargic because I was so busy and not getting any sleep. I didn't realize it at the time, but I look back now and call those my bad years. I have NO desire to ever live in Rexburg again because of the craziness! I went to the doctor to try to figure out what was wrong and after talking to her for a while she said she thought I had anxiety.

Great. Not really what you want to hear when you are looking for reasons why you are tired and can't sleep. But after researching and learning about anxiety disorders, it also made a lot of sense. Basically, I get overwhelmed really easily. It becomes hard to complete tasks because I'm afraid or I don't know how to start. Being successful at whatever it is I do is really important to me, and that factors into the anxiety, too.

Over the years my life has not only become less crazy (well. . . we have added 4 crazies, but I'm not juggling school and work plus a baby), but I have learned how to keep the anxiety under control--for the most part. Some tricks I have learned include focusing on one thing at a time and planning how to accomplish the task, and then of course, following through. Lots of to-do lists.

Sometimes, though, you can't focus on one thing at a time--like if there are several events happening one after the other. Then you have to focus on them all and plan for them all. That is when the anxiety comes back.

Take this week... family coming into town (SOO excited about this, but that means feeling like my house has to look magazine clean and organized and menus planned and food bought ahead of time), Madison's baptism on Saturday (need to buy a ribbon and make a collage of her life), and school starting on Monday. For some reason everything all together is really overwhelming--even though I already have a lot of it ready. The rest of her outfit is ready, all the school supplies are bought, we have school clothes, and I am ready for everyone to go to school! But then I think. . . hair cuts, lunch supplies (should I buy new thermos's or just get juice boxes?).... I know to most people this isn't overwhelming, but for some reason it is to me. Also, it makes me irritable. . . so if you have to be around me when I'm worrying about something, I'm sorry. :)

And then, by chance, two different people asked me about teaching piano lessons today. That caused even more anxiety because I'm struggling just to teach my own kids piano--something that is really important to me! And that started a round of thinking about all of my own inadequacies and things I need to improve. No--I think I need to feel on top of what I already have going on before I start trying to take on more to do.

Luckily I have also learned some tricks to shutting off my brain at night. I need about an hour of mindless tv or reading in bed. And if that still doesn't work, then I have a book on my ipod (The Misadventures of Maude March) that I listen to with ear buds when I can't sleep. I don't think I have ever gotten past the second chapter.

And apparently blogging is another way to get it all sorted out. :) So wish me good luck this week, and tell me I'm not crazy!