Mama Mia

It has come to my attention that I recently wrote a post that was primarily about my father and not my mother. So this one is for the lady I call when I am happy, sad, excited, bored, in need of advice or recipes, or just any old reason at all.

My favorite story about my mom is also the story she wishes I would forget. It involves her getting mad at me and a recipe box. But I guess since this is her post I won't go there.

Some of the most meaningful memories with my mom are moments that she might not even remember:

A late-night dance party in the kitchen to oldies music on the day I returned from a NYC trip.

Helping me learn how to make bread. Over and over and over. (We finally realized that I was adding too much flour.)

Making jam and canning tomatoes, corn, meat, and applesauce. (They make it look WAY easier than it really is.)

Watching her help and love her mother, who has Alzheimer's and other health issues.

Some events were kind of huge. Like when Ammon was born and I called her in the middle of the night crying, and she flew out the next day to take care of me and my family (I'm pretty sure she won't forget that one).

Some advice she has given has guided me and lifted me up through the years. Like:

• The time after Logan was born and I was adjusting to being a mother and (please tell me I'm not the only one) no longer having the freedom I/we had previously enjoyed. I don't know what I said to her on the phone (surely I was more subtle?), but she said something like, "Sometimes you wonder why you were in such a huge rush have a baby, and you miss the time you had before you were a mom." I felt such a HUGE relief to know I wasn't alone, and I said something like, "Oh! So you feel that way, too?" She laughed and said, "Oh no honey, I've gotten over that. I've been a mom for a long time." Now I know exactly what she was talking about! Somewhere you just start becoming less selfish and more selfless without even realizing that you are changing in such a wonderful way.
• The time I was pregnant with Grant and had two toddlers ages 3 and 2. I couldn't figure out how in the world I was going to take care of another child when I felt like I was struggling to "control" the other two. I don't know if I ever said anything, but her motherly instincts must have kicked in. She sent me a card with a handwritten message. I don't know everything it said, but I remember this part: "I'd like to tell you it gets easier, but really it doesn't. They will get older and less needy, but their independence will be both a blessing and a curse." Not exactly uplifting advice, but exactly what I needed to hear.
• The time that Joe was in TX for the summer and I was playing single mom. There was A LOT of stress--trying to show/sell a house, trying to find work, trying to finish my online classes, and trying to do it all by myself. My parents stopped by to visit for some reason, and asked exactly the wrong (or right) question. I lost it and bawled my head off to them about how overwhelmed I was. They listened and hugged me and told me to drive to their house the next day so that they could help. On their way out the door my dad told my mom to give me gas money so that I wouldn't have any excuse not to go. My mom gave me a $100 bill and told me to "keep the change." I still have that $100 bill and every once in a while I pull it out. . . I don't know if it is to remind me, or for the next time I feel like I just can't do it, or maybe even for some opportunity to help someone else in need. But it has become a symbol of hope and love that helped me to overcome a challenge that felt quite overwhelming.

Mostly my mom was/is really patient with me. She is always calm and never loses her temper, and sometimes I just wanted to make her mad (which is partly why I love my favorite story that I'm not telling). For example, when I turned 18 I told her I was going to buy something just so I could show my i.d. I was really trying to rile her up. She just looked at me and said, "Well, I guess you can spend your money however you'd like." Not what I wanted to hear, and I didn't carry through with that plan. (I did go and get my ears pierced a second time on my 18th birthday, which I knew she was not a fan of but didn't stop me because I was an "adult." And then I took them out the next year when President Hinckley said we didn't need more than one piercing, but that's another story for another day.)

So basically, I'm doomed. When my kids are obnoxious and crazy and in 10 (5? 2?) years trying to make me mad. . . well, we already know that the calm gene didn't get passed down to me. But I had a really good example, and even if I'm not always as patient and nice--hopefully we are making enough good memories that someday my own children will be calling me to laugh and cry, or maybe just to talk.

Long Overdue... and I Mean (this is) Long

Around Mother's Day a friend put out the challenge to blog about the joy of motherhood. I told her I would take the challenge, but when I started thinking about it, I didn't know how to put my feelings into words. 2 months later....

Being a mother has given me someone(s) to love and someone(s) to love me back. Motherhood has made me learn how to be less selfish and more selfless. Instead of buying myself clothes, getting my nails done, or reapplying makeup throughout the day--I spend my time and money on these precious people around me. There are times when I miss the time and money (and more complimentary pictures), but honestly--I think I have more confidence in myself when I feel that I can be beautiful and "cool" without trying so hard. I have truly found joy and purpose in life through caring for my children and watching them learn and grow.

I have this theory that a parent can never give his or her child too much love, time, and praise. (I do believe a child can have too many toys.) The world will soon tell my children they are not smart enough, beautiful enough, and all around good enough. So now--while I have some sway--I am doing all I can to help them know that they are beautiful, intelligent, and good. (This doesn't mean I don't lose my temper. I do.) So for now, Piaget's Egocentrism is ok--our world revolves around these little people.

Finally, I'm finding that these years go by very quickly. Since they are the only years we have, I hope that when my children look back to their childhoods, they have warm-fuzzies of dancing in the kitchen, mom wearing an apron and making yummy food (and kids begging for cheese and vegetables), library visits, picnics at the playground, Saturday workdays, and family outings--to name a few. I admit, the hope of these fond memories is what spurs me to action and enables me to spend precious time and money on things that are lasting though intangible (oh to have furniture!). They will be my memories, too, and ones I won't regret.

People have commented that they have noticed that I seem to love being a mother. I do. I really, really do. It's not always easy--in fact, here's a story....

One day Joe came home and told me about someone (?) who had a cook who came in and cooked 2 or 3 meals a day for this family. Then Joe said something like, "Can you imagine that being your full-time job? To just go somewhere and cook and clean for someone else and then to go home for the day? Wouldn't you just feel like a servant?" I gave him the LOOK. "Oh," says he, "I guess that is kind of what you do." "Yes," I say, "only I don't get to go 'home.' And I don't get paid. And it's a bit more than cooking."

I haven't always found joy in being a mother--I mean, I've always loved my kids--so I guess I mean I haven't always found motherhood fulfilling or rewarding. But it is rewarding to see children progress. Life is a little less demanding when kids can go to the bathroom, get dressed, and tell you why they are sad. And I think I've changed. I have had to set goals and I have had to make an effort to be a happier, more optimistic person. I have learned to love to serve. I have learned to find joy in little things. I am still trying to live in the moment, be more spontaneous, and to find joy in this journey.

Joe and I celebrate our 9th anniversary next week. We went to the temple last night to do sealings--we joked that we were renewing our vows. It was comforting to hear those words and to know that we belong to each other for eternities.

Oh, and if you got this far and want to know how we are doing: we are doing fine. Things are looking up every month. I still feel nervous, but I am grateful that Joe is willing to work so hard to make our dreams come true. That sounds cheesy, I know, but seriously--if this works out (and it will)--we will be living the dream. We already do, in most aspects, but you know--money makes life lots easier. Madison and Logan are excited for school. Grant and I will have to figure out what to do... I'm thinking lots and lots of fun!! How easy will it be to go shopping with only 1 kid! And hey--we can afford to go out for lunch once in a while if there's just one kid! And maybe now I will be able to sit down one-on-one and teach Grant his ABC's--sibling-distraction-free! Do you see all of these-!!!!! I will miss Logan and Madison, though--I can't believe they are going to be away from me all day. :( That is why I am being such a cool fun mom this summer--school is cool, but mom RULES!

Until next time....