I have
been a mother for approximately 14.5 years. I worked the first two months of my
son’s life and decided then that I wanted to be a stay at home mom. I don’t
quite remember what made that decision, but the crying every morning when I left
him at the sitter’s (me, not him, although he cried A LOT), the sleepless
nights, and the fact that no one could possibly love my monster the way I could
probably had something to do with it. Now, 14 years and 5 kids later, I find
myself in the near-future of not having kids to stay home with as my youngest
will begin kindergarten in 2 years. Last time I found myself in this position I
got pregnant so I wouldn’t have to figure it out. I’m not saying that isn’t
a solution, and I DO love every one of my kids, but I’m finding that it isn’t a
permanent solution. Actually, it’s kind of a drastic solution. Also, because I
know someone will say this, I refuse to homeschool my kids. So I find myself in
this quandary: what am I going to do with my life?
I have a
degree in English Education but I haven’t taught actual school since I quickly
wrapped up student teaching with a tiny baby in my arms. Besides feeling a
little intimidated to go back into the school system, I have a hard enough time
dealing with my own kids—the prospect of dealing with other people’s offspring
on a daily basis is, to be honest, frightening. (Thank you to all the educators
out there!) It could happen, but I want to explore all my options before committing.
What do
I have to put on a resume? I have been changing diapers, cooking, cleaning, potty-training,
chauffeuring, personal assistanting, counseling, fashion consulting, doctoring,
decorating, fight-breaking, yelling, laughing, teaching, and I am sure many
other things for 14.5 years—and may I add, not very well. There are crumbs
under the table, my kids constantly bicker, and today my two-year-old is wearing unmatched socks with his short, stained pants.
Then I
asked myself what I enjoyed doing. That’s a humdinger. For basically all of my
adult life I have been focused on helping others find joy and in that journey I
feel like I have lost a little of myself. I like travel, books, music. But what
did I DO FOR FUN before kids? I needed some time to think about that. I pulled out
old pictures and studied myself, my surroundings, trying to remember, and I
found traces there that are still in me now, as a mother. I saw the girl who found
it funny to “dirty dance” in the Mom who paid her kids in Pokémon cards if they
would play Just Dance with her on rainy days. I saw the explorer who traveled
to China without knowing a word of Mandarin in the Mom who doesn’t care how
many hours it takes to drive her kids across 17 states in 7 days so they could
hit up as many cities and historical monuments as possible. I remembered the
indecisive girl who thought about running away on her wedding day in the Mom
who convinced her husband to cancel flight plans three times in one year! And finally,
I read pages and pages of words that young girl wrote as she finished school, and
later classes to keep her teaching certificate current, and I remembered the
thrill of writing as I saw the Mom--that's ME--who loves to find the humor in every
day, ordinary life, and I have this drive to record it—usually in the form of succinct(ish)
facebook posts.
The
dream began. I have two years before my youngest goes to school. I don’t know
what I am going to do when he leaves me, but I don’t have to wait to rediscover
myself. I am a professional mom. This year I will have spent a combined total
of 46 years raising kids. This is who I am and who I will always be. I am
going to record it. The dream is to turn it into a book—and right now I feel optimistic
about it, but who knows what tomorrow will bring. Teenagers, that’s what.
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