The Phantom Battery

Grant will put anything in his mouth.

As Jennifer was flattening her hair for church, she noticed Grant sitting amid the broken pieces of a toy cell phone (at just 1.15 years old, Grant already knows how to hold it up to his ear and babble). She collected all the pieces, but couldn't find one of the phone's two button batteries. A long search on her hands and knees failed to produce the Smartie-sized pill.

The two parents reasoned, 'He won't eat broccoli florets, why would he eat a metallic battery?' Everyone moved on.

At night, however, Grant cried in his crib for over an hour, which is unusual for him. He normally puts in a worthy 5-minute effort, then calls it quits. But this increased the likelihood that an ingested battery was giving him fits. So they pulled Grant out of his crib, and the little guy thought he was the champ (increased effort, increased results).

Now Jennifer drafted Joseph into the search. The two groped the floor for over an hour, then called the "My Baby Swallowed a Battery, What Do I Do Now" hotline (202-625-3333). They suggested taking Grant in for an X-ray.

At 10:00 pm Joe drove Grant to his hospital. By this time Grant was tired. His body was like a soaked towel; they spread-eagled his little body over the x-ray film and snapped a picture. 10 minutes later the verdict arrived: No battery.

So now, each of the kids have emergency room experience. Madison chopped off the tip of her finger while performing circus tricks on her chair. Logan was rushed to the ER after a few weeks of life because he was full of mucus (still is); then had to have a sweet pea extracted from his left nostril (always something green); and then had to have his forehead stitched up after tripping on a stair.

Kids.